


During Sex, I Like To Think About _____.

by ShowMeAHero



Series: The Smithsonian [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Family, Avengers Tower, Domestic, Domestic Avengers, Fluff, Gen, Humor, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, and genetically engineered super-soldiers, but bucky doesn't give two shits, but some cards are more telling than other cards, features geriatric ex-assassins, heartwarming orphans, nor does steve, oh and anal beads, or thor usually but that's less relevant at this juncture, the team plays a nice game of Cards Against Humanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-13
Updated: 2014-05-13
Packaged: 2018-01-24 13:47:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1607345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShowMeAHero/pseuds/ShowMeAHero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The team plays Cards Against Humanity. Some cards are more telling than others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	During Sex, I Like To Think About _____.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this post](http://fucking-bucky.tumblr.com/post/84221725474/lets-be-real-for-a-sec-bucky-would-throw-down), which was inspired by [this comic](http://voodooling.tumblr.com/post/84203980824/the-gang-is-playing-cards-against-humanity-and) (which also inspired this story), which was inspired by [this post](http://starcunning.tumblr.com/post/73582156615/you-guys).
> 
> Lauryn also sent me a message that said "I double dare you to write that avengers cards against humanity thing. I’m so serious." So, I kind of had to.

“ _What’s the most emo?_ ” Natasha asked, reading aloud from the black card in her hand. Bruce frowned down at the white cards in his hand, even as Clint crowed happily and threw down one of his own white cards immediately. Steve raised an eyebrow.

“I got the Nazi card,” Steve said, and Tony rolled his eyes.

“You’re not supposed to _tell_ us your cards, Buck Rogers,” Tony explained. He stared at Steve and Bucky for a moment before his eyes widened. “Wait-”

“Yeah, we’ve heard that one before,” Bucky interrupted, before Tony could get all fired up. Tony made an aborted hand motion, but Steve just moved on. He leaned over to Bucky, whispering and asking him which card to use. Bucky pointed to one with a metal fingertip, and Steve put that one down on the stack.

“This is an odd game,” Thor commented, drawing another white card. He laughed at whatever it said. “But it is rather enjoyable in its crudeness, I must admit."

“Okay, for the most emo, we’ve got _flying sex snakes_ , _all-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99_ , _white people_ , _the American Dream_ , _bees?_ , _doin’ it in the butt_ , and _dead parents_ ,” Natasha read aloud. She hummed thoughtfully. “I’m going to have to go with _white people_ ,” she announced, and Sam leaned forward, snatching the black card.

“ _Thank_ you very much,” Sam said cheerfully. Steve drew another white card and sighed.

“What on _Earth_ is _MechaHitler_?” Steve asked. Bucky frowned, looking over Steve’s shoulder at the card.

“I honestly do not know,” Bucky answered. He grinned at Steve. “Could you punch him in the face, too?”

“Any Hitler is fair game,” Steve answered evenly, drawing a black card. “Okay. _During sex, I like to think about, blank_. Fill in the blank.”

Bucky drew another white card and immediately tensed. Natasha raised an eyebrow at him, and Steve leaned over.

“What’s wrong, Buck? What’d you get?” he asked, and Bucky immediately drew his cards closer to his chest so Steve could not see them.

“You can’t see, you’re the judge this round,” Bucky said, a little too loudly. Steve frowned, but leaned back anyways.

“Yeah, alright,” Steve agreed, watching him suspiciously for a moment before he turned to take the card Bruce handed him. Bucky looked down at his hand again, at the damning white card that now sat at the forefront. _Genetically engineered super-soldiers_. Bucky bit back a sigh. Why do they even _make_ this card.

Bucky looked at Steve in his peripherals, then looked down at the card again anxiously. He chanced a second look at Steve, who was laughing at whatever card Thor had just handed him, and was filled with a swell of confidence. He pulled the card out of his hand and smacked it down onto the table. The table buckled slightly, and everybody looked at Bucky. He just grinned, half-cheeky, half-sheepish, and withdrew his metal hand.

“I’ve got a good one,” Bucky said, and Steve picked it up, adding it to the bottom of the stack in his hand.

“We’ll see about that,” Steve teased. Clint and Sam high-fived each other across the table for indecipherable reasons. He started pulling up the cards and reading them off. “Okay, _During sex, I like to think about_ … And we have: _oversized lollipops_ , _a lifetime of sadness_ , _my collection of high-tech sex toys_ -” Steve glanced up at Tony, who just shrugged. Steve returned to the cards. “- _a bleached asshole_ -” Steve paused while Tony snorted, “- _an Oedipus complex_ , _the Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King, Jr._ , and-” Steve raised an eyebrow as he read the last card. He looked up.

“What’s it say?” Natasha asked, leaning over to look at the card. Steve cocked his head to the side. “C’mon, it can’t be worse than having to say “ _a bleached asshole_.” What is it?”

Steve’s cheeks turned a little red as he put the card down. “It says _genetically engineered super-soldiers_.”

The table fell silent. Everyone glanced at each other, then back at Steve, who shrugged. “I guess that one wins,” he said. Nobody moved for a moment. Then, Bucky reached out, slowly, his metal arm barely making a sound as he picked up the black card. Steve looked up at him, brow furrowed, before he burst into laughter. Bucky, too, started to laugh, leaning into Steve.

“Jesus, that’s too good,” Bucky guffawed. Steve nearly tipped over backwards in his chair. Thor smiled widely at them.

“I do not feel as though I had a chance at winning that round,” Thor commented. Steve reached over and clapped him on the shoulder.

“Next time, pal, you’ll be better off,” Steve assured him, and Thor grasped his arm cheerily. Steve released him and sat back, flipping through his own cards as he and Bucky calmed down enough to continue.

“The next card says, _Why am I sticky?_ ,” Bucky read. Steve frowned at his cards.

“I don’t have a _geriatric ex-assassin_ card,” Steve complained, and Bucky punched him in the arm.

“I have _cybernetic enhancements_ ,” Clint exclaimed. “Steve, use this one for why you’re sticky!”

“I’ve got _sexual tension_ , if you want to swap cards,” Sam offered dryly. Steve glanced up at him, then back down at his cards.

“You’re the worst, least-subtle wingman I’ve ever had,” Steve remarked. Bucky raised his eyebrows.

“That’s saying something,” Bucky chimed, “because _I_ used to be his wingman.”

“Haaaaave you met Steve?” Sam asked, motioning dramatically to Steve, who just placed a white card down on the table. At the blank stares he received, he groaned. “Come _on_. _How I Met Your Mother_? The rest of you have no excuse,” he said, pointing at Tony, Clint, and Natasha. He turned to Bruce and Thor. “I’m letting you two off the hook.”

“Thank you!” Thor boomed. Bruce snapped his fingers at Sam and went back to his cards.

“Wouldn’t Sam be the _best_ wingman, anyways?” Tony asked, picking up the previous thread of conversation. “He literally is a wing man. He has wings.”

“Can I borrow that _genetically engineered super-soldier_ card for why Barnes is sticky?” Natasha requested, and Bucky flicked water from his glass at her.

“Who on God’s green earth is Robert Downey Jr.?” Tony asked, squinting at one of his cards. Clint threw his cards down on the table and stood.

“I need a drink if this is going to keep going the way it’s going,” Clint declared, leaving the room and returning with an armful of beers, which Bucky proceeded to open in quick succession for them.

“Anal beads?” Steve read aloud, his tone inquiring, and Bucky leaned over to whisper in his ear. Tony nearly fell onto the floor. “Oh. Okay, that’s what… And, alright, I think I got one.” Steve put his card down, only for Bucky to pick it up and read it immediately. “Hey, that’s not how this works!”

“ _Heartwarming orphans_ ,” Bucky read aloud. He looked over at Steve fondly. “You’re an idiot.”

Steve held up another card. _Old-people smell_. “I could’ve used this one,” he said, and Bucky tackled him to the floor. Sam leaned across the table and stole Steve’s beer.

**Author's Note:**

> Idiots. All of them.
> 
> You can follow me on Twitter at [@nicoIodeon](https://twitter.com/nicoIodeon) or on Tumblr at [andillwriteyouatragedy](http://andillwriteyouatragedy.tumblr.com/).


End file.
